Debunking the Myth: Interview with Halima Sal-Anderson

Debunking the myth: Early morning discussion with controversial author of “Supposing I wanted to Date a White Guy?”

Halima is clearly a woman with a price on her head - considering that she has decided to use her book to break the repression of discussions of black women and interracial relationships. She has decided to tell the story from the black woman’s perspective and also to put a face around the issues surrounding inter racial relationship.

Meet controversial author Halima Sal-Anderson.

Pammy: Are interracial relationships still controversial?
Halima: I think it isn’t as much as it used to be and there is an assumption of it being controversial that doesn’t hold up once you get into it. Interracial relationships have become political which gives it an air of controversy. I need to rephrase the last part by saying that Interracial relationship is now being used for political purposes as a test of one’s loyalties particularly in the black community but I don’t think this is necessarily right. You can be loyal to your people without restricting your dating option to men from your race.

Pammy: Why did you decide to write such a controversial book?
Halima: A number of reason of which foremost is that I wanted to lay out the interracial dating option plainly for black women. I wanted to give black women a reference/handbook for exploring interracial relationships in general but I was also interested in black women being able to avail themselves of the interracial option, because let’s be practical here, the pool of available black men is diminishing. I had come across all sorts of ideas and notions which I felt would be a great hindrance to black women on the modern dating scene (a scene different to that of our mothers and grandmothers) and a book was needed to point out and challenge these ideas.

Pammy: Have you ever dated outside your race?
Halima: Yes. At the moment I am in an emerging relationship but I have pretty much had a good run so I cannot complain.

Pammy: So your writing this book was also from your experience?
Halima: Yes, part of it but I also interviewed scores of black women as well, so it isn’t only about me. But I wanted to hear black women’s voices but these voices are within a framework. My book is split into 2 parts, the first is the general exploration of inter racial relationships; what it is and all the political thought surrounding it - it is in this portion that I address the issue of black men and their out of race dating because it does have an impact on black women in many ways. The other part is a self-help guide into Interracial Relationship land if you like; in it I detail the process into mixed relationships.

Pammy: Who should go into an inter racial relationships? Are their special qualities either partner should have?
Halima: Anyone who wants to or who feels they would like to after giving it some thought. I don’t think it is a specialist field as many would have us believe. Most black women think they might need to be different or ‘alternative’ to find white men attractive and date interracially, but this is just a sample of the kind of misleading ideas that surround interracial dating.

Pammy: Is sex significantly different when both partners are from different races?
Halima: From what I have gathered No - though folks will say that attitudes to sex can vary with cultures. I have heard it said that white men want to please while black men might think a natural endowment is all that is required. It’s all a laugh - isn’t it? It is subjective and no one would hope to put a saddle on this one!

Pammy: We have to talk about this - what of resulting children? How does one bring up a mixed race child?
Halima: I think black women do a good job here (I am biased), I think they ground them in their black cultures in ways that leaves them with a healthy self esteem. I think mothers and black mothers being primary socialisers, impart a respect and acceptance of their black culture to their children unless they have a problem in this area.

Pammy: But that is within the home. What of outside the home. Many mixed kids complain of being ostracized or having to deal with identity crisis?
Halima: From what I have observed in real life I think biracial children of black women are more comfortable with their identity. I have a couple of them who relate well with others and they do not feel awkward around blacks or other biracial people. They just muddle in with the rest of us. But I have to balance that and say that it all goes back to how grounded the black parent is and how okay they are with their identity. I think Africans have an edge here because their core identity appears to have been untouched in the way other black groups have.

Pammy: Your blog page suggests that women who are tired of waiting for black men should date outside their race. But don’t you think that is a defeatist attitude since they are not dating these men of other races because this is their first choice rather they are doing this because of the unavailability of black men?
Halima: I don’t think I would put it quite like that, but I think it is logical and stands to reason that women who feel a dating ’squeeze’ should open up their options. I would go further to even say, don’t wait to feel a squeeze, simply be open. I think you can only really be settling if you have a particular black man in mind and then have to make do with another person, but if there is no particular black man on the scene then I don’t think it is about settling. Many black women are in love with the idea of having a black man (for various reasons), and I actually suggest that they ‘unpack’ this idea of ‘only a black man will do,’ as it might be unnecessarily standing in the way of their relationship goals. I will also like to add that I think some women feel they are settling because they have been told that black men present the best option but I think all kinds of men present a best option and a good option is not about fantasies, but actual experiences.
Also let me make it quite clear that I am firmly against excluding black men or any men for that matter. Unfortunately, people have learnt to frame discussion about Interracial relationships as excluding black men, I don’t know why this is so but I have an idea why we do this.

Pammy: Please, share your idea?
Halima: I think it’s political because it is politically expedient for us black people to talk in terms of dating white men = hating black men, it means women get put off the idea of dating out which is basically what many black people want to achieve (even if this is at a personal cost to black women and they never marry!). Yet a person who dates white men can be open to everyone and this is mostly what pertains, despite claims to the contrary. When I say Interracial Relationships I always mean ‘in addition to your black male option’ not excluding them. However, some women will decided to just give up on black men, it is sad but it is their decision and I understand but this is not an approach I preach.

Pammy: Where do you go to meet these white men?
Halima: Online dating has proved quite helpful, but they are all around us!

Pammy: What are the key issues a mixed couple will face?
Halima: always remember that if your relationship is satisfying to you and meets your needs, nothing out there should come between you. My desire is for sisters to be happy, too many are not and it is sad. I want to do my little bit to wrest them from just existing to please and support everyone else but not taking care of themselves in this area. 70% of black women in the US are single, that is an unacceptable value to me!

Pammy: What difficulties did you face gathering information for this book?
Halima: I had a lot of difficulties. I thought black women would embrace the concept but I found some so hostile. I now understand this to be because I was opening their wounds and shame around black men choosing other women over them. But this was necessary to get to grips with the issue. It’s calmer now as many understand what I am trying to do but then… it took a while to get here.

Pammy: How long did it take you to write this book?
Halima : About 6 years.

Pammy: wow!! that is a long time. Why did it take that long?
Halima: Well, there was a need to debunk a lot of wild ideas and urban myths that were accepted as fact around interracial relationships and I had to start with myself! Like everyone else my head was crammed full of all sorts of beliefs and ideas. Once I worked through them and became clearer the book came together!
I give this example of the struggles I had, liberals see Interracial relationships as a sign of progress, yet each time I interviewed black women, they talked abut how black men choose white women over black women (not really progressive). So we have two conflicting perspectives with the first being loudest. It took me a while to straighten my head out and realize that the black female voice needed to come through and dominate. We have been denied a voice in all this, and we need to validate our experiences. These are the types of discoveries and struggles that I came across as the book took shape and it did take a bit of time!