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Time Is Ticking: Have You Written Your Will Yet?

4 comments

Posted by: Pamela Stitch on December 22, 2007 Under: Africa, Discussion Lounge, Feature, Life & Culture



will.jpg“Life is just a circle” the wise men said and most that listened understood what he meant. Death, the end of all things living, is a fact of life with the ones’ most affected being those that are left behind to bear the brunt of decisions left unmade. The question comes down to this: have you written your will yet? Do your loved ones know where your will is? Is it clear to your extended family, that your nuclear family remains respected regardless of how you died?

I have often gotten angry and worried when I hear countless stories of widows having to suffer for being married into a particular family. It is not strange to hear of family members kicking the widow and her kids out of the house with the body not yet cold in the grave. Or extended family members deciding that everything that belonged to the husband is now theirs. Often times once the husband is dead, a lot of humiliating and embarrassing stories are spread about the Widow, many times accusing her of having a hand in the death of her husband. I am often left wondering, hasn’t this woman suffered enough of a loss, of loosing her best friend, father of her kids, often times the sole provider – why does she have to actually deal with this onslaught from her husband’s relatives? Don’t these people even have a conscience?

I regret to say this but the fault lies directly on her dead husband, if he had written a will, then the tiresome relatives would have been controlled. They would not have that much access to his property. Of course, we know that stories and lies will always be told - that is an uncontrollable factor, in the same way that we know that death is also another uncontrollable factor, all living organisms must die. So, being aware of this, why would you leave your family out there without protection? We know a will which is a legal document states the wishes of the husband and is a document that can be used to enforce certain rights. It is the beginning point for any widow that wants to fight for the right to her husband’s property or businesses but without these paper work (will)– traditional law often wins, in which the widow looses all.

I remember discussing this issue with my aunty (she married into the family) and we were talking about a family friend who is currently going through hell in the hands of her in laws back home. I had to ask her, if she knew if my uncle had written his will yet. She astounded me when she told me that she didn’t know and she had no clue how to broach the topic to her husband because she was scared of the implications. Considering , that my uncle is one of the most in-touch people that I know, if this is a sacred topic for his wife, I wonder how others out there broach the topic of wills, without making it seem as though, the wife is out to kill her husband.

I have a question for the lawyers out there: Is there a way that a man can stipulate in his will that he does not want his wife participating in certain cultural practices that are completely in humane? I think that it is completely unfair that the widow is made to drink the water used to wash her husband’s dead body or that she is made to cut her hair. There are even cases in which she is made to sleep in the same room as her dead husband and many times, she is made to marry her dead husband’s brother. Of course, we should not discount, ‘the swearing ceremony’ in which she has to swear that she had no hands in her husband’s death. These stories abound throughout Africa and are not peculiar to a particular region or country. Why aren’t these same ‘privileges’ extended to the man when his wife dies. I am not going to start my diatribe against the double standards that exists in male-female relations in Africa but I will say this – Men, if you are married, please write a will and protect your family. Death is inevitable! Merry Christmas.

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4 comment(s)

  1. Misi | Dec 23, 2007 | Reply

    The Nigerian legal system comprises of the English Common Law, and Customary Law. Marriage customs such as the ones stated above falls with the purview of Customary Law. However, the English Common Law courts can make a determination whether such custom is repugnant to natural justice, equity and good conscience. Therefore customs requiring a widow to drink the water used to wash their dead husband or which force them to sleep in the same room as their dead husband will probably be regarded as repugnant to natural justice. The biggest issue is how many widows know this? Even if they know, how many of them can afford to put up a fight after just losing a loved?
    I believe is that even if the husband declares in his will that he doesn’t want his wife being forced to perform the custom, how will it be enforced? Even if it is in a legally valid Will and goes to probate no court is in the business of ensuring the deceased’s desires are implemented to the last letter so why put it there?
    As mentioned a widow who doesn’t want to go through the custom can take her in-laws to court. The problem is the culture and respect factor makes the widow fearful of fighting these people. It seems like a no-win situation right? Notwithstanding, I will still suggest the deceased include it in his Will.
    Secondly, many people usually do not want to draw a Will simply because a Will is associated with dying and no one wants to think about the possibility of death. It should not be like that because we all know that having a will just makes life easier for all involved. The children also suffer when a breadwinner doesn’t have a Will. Can you imagine what will happen if the man had lots of wife, plenty of children and no will? Do realize how much fight that could cause?
    The million dollar question is— how do you change people’s mindset? Once that task is achieved, most of the problems aforementioned will fade away.

  2. issa | Dec 24, 2007 | Reply

    What a strange topic for Christmas! hahahahaha.

    I’m in a celebrating mood and won’t start a debate on this. However, i must mention that Africa is still evidently harnessed by some primitive customs which, quite frankly, should be abrogated by disuse. I personally don’t believe amendments of laws will have any impact.

    I think problems such as this are deep rooted in our customary perception of marriage. That’s what needs to be changed. The ideal concept is that both man and woman leave their parents when they become man and wife, to start their own family. No strings tied. The African customary practice, however, is that THE WOMAN leaves her parents to join her husband (either at his parents’ place or his own place). What this means is, she remains a stranger. She is like a lemon branch grafted onto an orange tree or vice versa…and the consequences are, as soon as her husband dies, her strangership (made up word) become much more evident, leaving her vulnerable to hatred.

    A marriage system that recognizes a woman as an equal partner to her husband with equal power and ownership over whatever they acquire during the course of marriage needs to be adopted. If i had the power to influence people to exercise my beliefs, there wouldn’t be any need to write wills because it would be plain obvious - wife takes over everything…as much as i would take over everything if she dies first.

    The problem with that approach is, power corrupts. Once a partner knows he/she stands to benefit (especially if they are rich and falling out of love), anything can happen including murder. This is another big reason why people aren’t keen on making wills, much less discussing them. We are, by nature, selfish creatures capable of killing to empower ourselves. Wills work where there is love…but love isn’t a characteristic of every relationship. Love is a devious phenomenon.

  3. issa | Dec 24, 2007 | Reply

    Merry Christmas Pammy. Almost forgot that. Hahahaha.

  4. Pamela | Dec 27, 2007 | Reply

    Misi: Changing people’s mindset is an uphill battle. I really do not know how people will go about changing it.

    Issa: Merry Christmas. Yes, I know a bit of a depressing read but statistically, more people die during the holidays from accidents etc than during other times of the year - so it is quite relevant and true. I agree that Will works where there is love but come on, if you have children, doesn’t it make sense to have a will. Wills should work even if there is no love, particularly if there are children involved. A family is an asset that should be protected even when you are no longer around.

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